i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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