he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I have post one night stand depression
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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