guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
