Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
