I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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