I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
