Whatcha textin bout Willis?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
