If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
