I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i think i have herpe
just one?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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