I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
