You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
