1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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