you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
