New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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