I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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