I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
