she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she smelled like a LAN party
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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