The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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