Taylor Swift is so right about you.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
is wine microwaveable?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
