I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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