I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
