Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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