how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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