You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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