i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
