Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
