I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
