I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
