I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
