her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism