1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd