I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I faked an abortion last night.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.