Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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