I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
