She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
