Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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