I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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