i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
