there's paper in my vomit.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
