between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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