i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
This baby is an asshole
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
These tits shall not be calmed
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