if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Drake has all the answers
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
