I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
