Who wears a wallet chain?!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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