Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
