I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
