I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
