I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
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This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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