I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
