I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
