I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
