Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
