yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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