i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The feeling are messing with the penis
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
