Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
