i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
