When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
