I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
