She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
