we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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